But something lurks
Behind the bushes
Just inside the shadow
And the play stops.
I can write about anything right now, yet every time I start on an idea, my thoughts and the words go skittering off in a different direction. This is one of those times I find out what I'm thinking by writing. I'm trying to be okay with it, looking at all the different fragments as possible beginnings of other blog entries. Yet there's still something I want to say and I'm not finding it...
So the first thing I thought of is emerging from the shadows slowly and saying, “What next?”.
I feel as though I'm finally recovering from the psychotic manic episode I had in May of 2013. It was a humiliating experience and I've struggled with shame ever since. It also took me a few months to emerge from some of the delusions I had during that time. The hyper-emotional swings took longer to subside and then gradually settle into a private hell. The confusion remained.
The black hole at the heart of the shadow is the depression I crashed into after the mania wore off. It is that shadow I feel I am beginning to emerge from. I still am fearful of slipping back into the black hole but I've learned that it takes some effort to stay in a better state of mind. I reassure myself that it is new to be feeling better again and will take some extra effort to stay there. It gets easier.
I've been giving much more thought to that question “What next?”. I feel the importance of maintaining the momentum I've got going. This website is part of that flow and keeping up this blog is the answer to what comes next. Of course there's the “What next after what's next?” kind of question that remains.
I've got some idea of the direction I'm going as the blog progresses. I have some ideas that I first came up with in 2009 but have never really developed. I plan to develop it into a seminar that could be condensed into a speech. I want to advocate for people with mental illness and present ideas for maintaining wellness.
I plan to share some of those ideas in the form of articles on this site as I develop the material for the workshop, but that's in the future. For now, I plan to make a blog entry at least once a week and keep the momentum going.
In the meantime, until next time, I wish you wellness.