Confusion and anxiety feel like predators circling around a campfire, waiting to close in on me. I try to keep the fire of my creative urge going but I've been struggling. I can't seem to think straight or write clearly without endless editing. I have to choose which of my swirling thoughts to grab onto. Then I need to hold it long enough to work through the process of expressing in words that which flies through my mind in an instant. Then more and more editing...
For days now I've been working on another blog entry and I've only got three paragraphs and a few random notes done. I've decided to save the entry I've been working on for another time and just write this bit about how things are for me right now, complete with confusion and anxiety. Somehow that seems easier right now.
The struggle of writing is made worse by the knowledge that I've missed my goal of publishing a blog entry at least once a week. A couple weeks ago, in my post “What Next?”, I shared that goal so I feel accountable to you, my readers. Accountability helps me stay motivated when I'm struggling. But it sometimes backfires on me when I fall short. I tend to berate myself, which is demotivating. At such times, I need to tell myself that I'm accountable for trying and working at it, not necessarily for succeeding.
I know there are others out there who struggle to have their brains cooperate, who get overwhelmed by anxiety and confusion. I suspect that lots of people have that from time to time, but for some of us it becomes such a problem that it is a disability. If you can identify with that, I'm writing this post for you. I just want you to know you're not alone.
I had been doing so much better just a couple weeks ago. It's discouraging to be back in this state of mind again. But these cycles come and go, so I can count on things getting better again. Even just getting this short post done helps. Until dawn comes then, and those circling predators go to sleep, I'll just keep working at keeping the fire going.
In the meantime, until next time, I wish you wellness.