March 2016

Of Pills and Chips

I just had a miserable experience this past weekend. I had forgotten to take my medications for a day and a half before I realized why I was feeling so awful. It’s never a good idea to go cold turkey with these psychiatric meds. By the time I took them, I was hurting all over, really suffering with anxiety, and had a solid fear of going insane. By that time I was sure I couldn’t exist like this and would rather die. I’ve spent too much time with suicidal thinking and I wasn’t going there, so I really had no choice other than to wait until the meds took effect.

Music In My Brain

I've got music in my brain – something deeper than having music on my mind. I'm told that having a regular music practice is literally changing the structure and the operation of my brain. My experience tells me that it's true. I've been changed by music since I joined the band, Soulful Noize.

In my second blog post, “Getting Back Up”, I had mentioned the importance of music to my ongoing recovery from the fallout of my last manic episode and the crash into depression that came after the mania. Now I want to tell you more about the role that music has played.

Confusion

Confusion and anxiety feel like predators circling around a campfire, waiting to close in on me. I try to keep the fire of my creative urge going but I've been struggling. I can't seem to think straight or write clearly without endless editing. I have to choose which of my swirling thoughts to grab onto. Then I need to hold it long enough to work through the process of expressing in words that which flies through my mind in an instant. Then more and more editing...